Closure

One of the meanings of closure is "a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved."

It took me many years of helping people find a missing family member or old friend to realize that the search was not always for a relationship but was primarily for closure.  Especially adoptees who were searching for their biological family.  I would tell them not to have any unrealistic expectations because I could not guarantee what I would find.  I learned after many such searches that what I found was not as important as the closure, or knowing the truth.  "The truth would set them free."  I  understood that living with the unknown about one's identity creates a void in their life and that even though that void may be suppressed, that void can eat at them like a cancer.   

People who know their identity, their medical history, and their heritage can probably not begin to relate to what it is like to not know these things.

After many years of searching for biological families for adoptees I understood their pain and sometimes their anger.  They never had a choice of who would raise them or who would be their adopted family.  They had no choice of the environment they would be raised in.  Even though adoption was intended to be "in the best interest of the child" this was not always the case.   I learned that adoptees were often victims of laws that were not always in their best interest. 

Before 1950 there were no adoption laws or regulations in Tennessee.  A mother could hand over her baby to anyone she wanted to.  In one case the mother paid the landlord the rent with giving the landlord one of her babies.  

ABANDONED

During and after the depression it was not uncommon for mothers to leave their babies on a doorstep or on a church pew in hopes that a good family would raise the child.  Unfortunately the abandoned babies had no identity, no date of birth, no record of their existence so they were assigned the date they were found as their birth date.  There were foundling hospitals set up to take care of the abandoned babies.  In one room there might be as many as 50 babies with only one nurse to feed them and take care of them.  As the babies grew and were able to sit up in their cribs they would rock back and forth as if someone was rocking them.  It was a horrible experience for these babies.   They never had anyone to bond with and they eventually were put in foster homes.  The older kids were loaded on to a train and as the train made stops the children stepped off the train and people would pick the child they wanted and that's how those children were adopted.  Farmers would pick the biggest boys that could work in the fields.  The kids were used for labor, and were not necessarily treated like a member of the family.  

TCHS

Prior to 1950, the Memphis branch of the Tennessee Children's Home Society was accused of being a "Black Market Baby Selling Racket".  There are many stories about the children that were "sold" thru that organization.  I was hired to research this home for an author who wanted to write a book about it.  I went to Memphis and researched the TCHS - Memphis Branch.  I followed the trails and uncovered some of the secrets.  The book was published and a movie was made based on the book.

 Adoptees were denied the right to know their own identity, their medical history, and their heritage.

As a result of doing so much research and also of learning the adoption process and where all the records were located in various court clerk's offices, archives, archive libraries, and other places I wrote a book to help adoptees and biological families know how and where to search for information.  I also became a lobbyist at the Tennessee Legislature and was successful in having some changes made to the Tennessee Adoption Laws.  Several years later some other lobbyists were successful in having the Tennessee Adoption Laws changed to "Open Records" that allowed people to request and open their records.  It was one of only six states that had "Open Records".  The other states would not allow anyone to obtain information. I believe that adoptees should have the right to know their own identity and that to deny them of this was a form of victimizing them.

OPEN ADOPTIONS

After many years of helping adoptees and biological families become reunited and understanding the fears and frustrations and heartaches they endured, I believed that Open Adoptions were in the best interest of all parties involved.  No more secrets, no more living with the unknown, no more fears by the adoptive parents that the biological family would take their child from them, no more feelings of guilt and regret by the birth mother.  The biological family and the adopted family were allowed to meet and know each other and in many cases they became more of a team that had only the best interest of the child at heart.  In some cases they merged into one big happy family.  I believe that Open Adoptions are healthy for all involved.  I cannot imagine how it must have been for a birth mother to never know who was raising her child, or whether the child was being abused, or all the other things a birth mother might think about.  No doubt most birth mothers lived with guilt and regret and their reason for searching for their child was for peace of mind to know that she made a decision that was in the best interest of her child.  To know the child had a good loving home was very comforting.  But to actually know how the child is doing, and visiting with the child, seeing photos of the child, hearing how the child is growing up, being able to answer any questions the child may have or that the adoptive parents may need is priceless.  I am so glad for all involved that they have a choice of an Open Adoption.

Problems and Solutions

FINDING A FATHER

The request to find a father is the most requested search I receive.  Unfortunately many children grow up without even knowing who their father is and in my opinion this can be a root to the problem of why so many children grow up with pain and an anger problem that leads to many other problems. 

Of course this is not a problem for everyone who is raised without a father, but there is somewhat of a pattern of behavior for certain types of children who grow up in a fatherless home.

It seems there is a pattern of behavior for some children who are raised by a single mother who has to work and the child is left alone.  There is no role model or example for the child to be guided by.  The child is not taught respect, responsibility, or religion.  The term "latch key kid" is given to the child who comes home to an empty house and basically has to take care of himself or herself.  In some places "latch key kids" are also referred to as "throwaway kids". 

IRRESPONSIBLE SEX THAT RESULTS IN AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY:

Is irresponsible sex when two people have sex just for pleasure without any care or thought to the consequences if a pregnancy occurs?   Is unprotected sex that leads to an unplanned pregnancy being irresponsible for that baby's life?  

When an unplanned pregnancy occurs with unmarried parents who becomes responsible for the medical expenses involved in the birth of the baby?  Who will pay to support the baby?  Who will take care of the baby?  Who will love the baby?  What will happen to the baby?

Unwed mothers who keep their babies without any way to provide for the child may not be prepared for the responsibility they will be facing.  Some unplanned pregnancies will result in abortion or adoption.  Years ago some mothers would choose abandonment.  

RESPONSIBILITY:

Who is responsible for bringing a baby into the world with no way of supporting the child?  How many unwed mothers solely depend on Welfare and free handouts to raise their child or children?  How many men father children and never contribute a penny toward their support?  How many men father children and know they are fathers but never see the child or do anything to help raise the child?  How many men father children and never feel responsible for doing anything for the child? 

It is not uncommon for an unwed mother to not know or identify the father of her child.  She does not put the father's name on the birth certificate and she does not draw any child support.  Some men may not even know they have fathered a child.  The birth certificate may say "Father Unknown".  

THE STATISTICS OF CHILDREN FROM FATHERLESS HOMES:

These are statistics of children who are primarily being raised by a single mother who has to work in order to pay her overhead and expenses as well as single mothers who may be absent much of the  time and the child is left alone with no one to teach respect, responsibility, or religion.  The child has no role model, no one to look up to as an example, and grows up feeling like no one really cares about them.  They don't feel loved or wanted.  

This is only my opinion but it seems to me that some of the main problems with society stems from the fact that 50% of all marriages are ending in divorce;  50% of all children in the U.S. are being raised by a single parent (primarily their mother); and *50% of these children being raised by a single mother may not know the absent parent - their father.  

*These are the children I am most concerned about because statistics show that these children are more likely to have the following problems and these problems are directly affecting society:

• 63% Suicide
• 85% Behavioral Problems
• 90% Homeless & Runaways
• 71% High School Dropouts
• 80% Commit Rape due to Displaced Anger
• 70% Juvenile Institutions
• 85% Prison
• Alcohol and Drug Problems
• Greater and earlier sexual activity
• Girls are more likely to become pregnant
• Boys have more aggressive behavior
• Girls have more anxiety and depression
• More antisocial behavior
• Poorer educational performance/school suspensions
• 2 out of 5 children in America do not live with their father    

Can it possibly be that having irresponsible sex that leads to an unwanted pregnancy that brings a child into the world that is left to raise themselves and feels that no one cares about them leads to anger that results in wanting to hurt others; anger that leads to breaking laws and committing criminal acts; anger that results in violence and destruction?  Is the anger we are seeing today in the behavior of so many rioters and protesters really the result of being from a fatherless home?  If there was a survey done among all the angry people who are protesting and rioting, how many would be from a fatherless home?  Is this really the root of the problem?

To those innocent babies and children who became victims of an unfair upbringing, who were unloved, mistreated, abused, or otherwise had a very sad childhood, I want to say I know it wasn't your fault that this happened to you.  I understand your pain and why you are angry.  But the best way to release pain and anger is by forgiveness, not by harming anyone else.  Taking out your anger on others is not going to solve the problem.  Try to forgive in order to let go of all the anger and pain, and once you truly have forgiven those who caused you the pain and anger, you will feel like a boulder has been lifted off your shoulders and you will feel a sense of peace like no other.  Your attitude will change and you will begin to feel positive about your life and your future.  Don't let the pain and anger take over or control your life.  It will hurt you more than it will hurt others and it won't go away.  Forgiveness will lead to freedom.  Believe that God is in control, not you.  God created you and Jesus was sent to die for everyone's sins.  It's never too late to change your way of life, your way of thinking, and to turn everything around.  

IS THERE A SOLUTION?

What is the solution for so many unplanned and unwanted pregnancies?  What is the solution for teaching and training parents to be prepared and responsible?  Who is responsible for teaching and training children about the other 3 R's "respect and responsibility and religion"?  Would it help if young children in kindergarten and elementary school were taught these 3 R's?  I realize that in today's society it is almost impossible to teach about religion for fear of offending someone.  I do think everyone needs to respect the rights of others to believe whatever they choose to believe and no one should be forced to believe a certain way.  Having the freedom of choice is not something everyone has.  So if public schools are not being allowed to teach religion, can they at least teach respect and responsibility?  What if small children were given classes of what to prepare for when they become adults and parents?  I really believe some good training programs are needed that teach kids what they are not being taught at home about respect and responsibility.  Maybe there are some good television shows for kids that teach right from wrong.  I don't watch kids TV shows so am not sure what they are teaching.  All I know is that somewhere along the way kids are growing up without respect and responsibility and certain people have a mindset that they are entitled to free handouts therefore they have no motivation to be responsible for anything.  Giving people free handouts can result in enabling them to lack respect and responsibility.  This does not apply to everyone......of course there are exceptions and of course there are people who truly deserve help.

SEARCHING FOR A FATHER:

The child may not know the name of their father but there is a slim chance the father may be identified and located thru a DNA test.  Finding a father is not going to solve all their problems.....it is basically only going to give them closure by answering some of their questions.  Living with the unknown about their own identity can lead to other problems that may cause their life to become out of balance.  

Finding their father may not be what they hope for but I believe the truth will set them free.  Free from the "unknown".  It seems that knowing the truth will help to fill a void in someone's life.

Over the years I have helped many people find their father and the one thing I tell them is to not have any unrealistic expectations.  What I find may not be what they hope for....... but it is better than living with the "unknown".  Sometimes the "unknown" can eat at you like a cancer.

May God bless all the children who were unloved, unwanted, and abused.